My photo
Eagle Mountain, Utah, United States
My name is Lauren, and I live in the bubble. I am wife to Marshall, the biggest BYU fan in the world; and mother to Carly, our big girl, and Wes, our wild man, and Calvin, our new addition. I graduated BYU with a degree in Social Work, and I went forth to serve at LDS Family Services. I like scrapbooking and going out to eat at nice restaurants. I am fascinated by new cleaning products at the grocery store, so I have to shop in wide circles around the perimeter to avoid the temptation to buy. I love chocolate.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Thoughts on pregnancy loss and conception

I was laying in bed tonight, and my mind started wandering. To its normal preoccupation. My reproductive system. I was wondering if the egg made it into the actual tube this time, and I found myself picturing the process of an egg erupting from an ovary and swimming the little gap to the safety of the tube. Or not; swimming the wrong way. As I had this mental image in my head, I realized that this ovary was quite large. We're talking tennis racket sized. And this fallopian tube, the diameter of the pitcher I use to water my plants. Why was that? Why was I seeing this super-sized projection as my normal reality? Why when I lay on an exam table in the stirrups, do my ovaries feel like they are beach balls in the corners of the room, and the uterus the size of my torso? Maybe because I am so used to looking to the image on the screen as my reality. Maybe it feels bigger than my body because I am so used to looking outside my body for the answers. But maybe, most likely, it is because this is the size it is in my life. In my day. The process of trying to conceive is a consuming one. The constant blood tests and numerous phone calls to the OB office until the nurse finally calls me back 3 days later with the findings; the calendars, and watches; the daily peeing on little sticks that indicate my happiness. It is all so big. Such a big part of my concern, my schedule, my preoccupations. This little reproductive system, probably no larger than my open palm, fills the room. Fills my evenings when the night is still and I am left to my thoughts alone.


Tara said...

I've been there...and it's wierd to think about. How does it all know how to work, each doing their job. I've had days when it fills my thoughts for the entire day...trying to sort out "why it didn't work this time" to "if THIS is going to be the time that it works." Of course none of them worked, but our life had other plans for us, and we are blessed for the better.
Good luck with your pregnancy endevors.

The Burke's said...

Lauren, I know what that is like. Especially the doctors offices and seeing everything inside you on the screen. I am looking forward to and dreading when we start trying for baby #2 and I can only imagine how much worse it becomes when you've lost a baby and in the way that you did. Every time I see your mom I ask her how your doing. I do hope that everything goes well the next time around. Who knew that having a baby and keeping a baby was so difficult and emotional. I understand that! It's hard even when you have support because it's inside of you both physically and emotionally. I know.

Related Posts with Thumbnails