Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end.
It is unexpected and amazing how much peace I have.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Where can I turn for peace?
Friday, July 04, 2008
So even though the doctors do not have any conclusive hormone levels on me, they let me go home. They decided that since my vital signs were so stable and since I was up and about, it wouldn't hurt to be an extra 3 minutes from the hospital (I can see the hospital from our apartment). Plus, my mom is here so I'd never be alone. And, Marshall tells me that his immediate family gets free transport in Gold Cross Ambulances (almost as cool as airline employee benefits...?)
So I am home now, and feeling pretty good. It still hurts to move around, but I'm surprisingly not as sore as I thought I would be. I go back in for blood tests tomorrow morning (Friday) and again on Monday. The doctors say that they expect I will have to do a second round of shots, which I would start on Tuesday. Hopefully, I won't need more surgery. As is, I am not allowed to lift anything over 10lbs for the next 6 weeks. I don't know how that's going to work, since Carly weighs 24lbs and we live on the 3rd floor. I either need to convince my mom to move in for the 6 weeks, or I need to teach Carly how to climb stairs and maybe how to get up onto her changing table. Oh, and how to get into and out of her crib. And how to just basically obey me. LOL...like that's going to happen.
Thank you so much for all of the kind comments, calls, and emails. We have really felt the love and prayers of so many in the last week.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
We lost the pregnancy. Well, we haven't even lost it yet. It's ectopic. And ectopic pregnancy is any pregnancy not in the uterus. Usually these pregnancies are still within the reproductive system (ie: the fallopian tubes or in the ovaries). Mine, however, is an abdominal pregnancy.
We discovered this yesterday because we came in for some blood work and found that I have low progesterone, but really high HCG. (These are the 2 important pregnancy hormones for those of you who aren't savvy). Low progesterone is an indication of an unsuccessful pregnancy, so naturally they wanted to do an ultrasound immediately. The ultrasound showed that the uterus was empty. With my HCG levels being so high, the doctors knew that the embryo had to be a couple centimeters by now and have a beating heart, so they knew that they didn't just miss it. They continued to look around and found a "mass" near my ovary. This mass did not have a yolk sack, or a heart beat, so they couldn't rule out that it was just a cyst.
There are 2 ways to "take care" of an ectopic pregnancy: one is a chemical abortion, and the other is surgical removal. It was my choice. Since my levels of HCG are so high, I am at increased risk that the chemical abortion would not work and I would end up in surgery anyway. Additionally, if the mass that they found was really a cyst, the embryo could be somewhere else and have a beating heart. I'm sure its just me (I'm slightly crazy), but I feel very strongly about not taking abortive measures once an embryo has life (a heart beat), so the idea of doing the chemical abortion without having positively identified the location or health of the embryo really bothered me. So we decided to do surgery. Late last night they wheeled me in, and knocked me out. They discovered during the exploratory laparoscopy that the mass was indeed the pregnancy, but that it had never developed correctly or lived in any form. No heart beat, no life sustaining abilities. However, it was embedded in my abdominal wall right between my ureter and a major blood vessel to my right leg. They decided that removing it surgically was too risky, and to try the chemical abortion since they had positively identified the mass as the pregnancy. But since the mass is in such a sensitive and critical area, they also do not want to let me go home and wait to see if the chemicals worked because if the pregnancy ruptured, I would surely bleed severely and likely die before making it back to the hospital.
So here I sit, in the oncology ward of the hospital, hooked to a million monitors, and waiting to see if my hormones levels go down enough to indicate it is safe for me to go home. Worst case scenario, the chemicals never work, I do 3 rounds over 3 weeks, and still end up back in surgery with an oncology surgeon (they do more vascular work). Best case scenario, this first round works and I am back home in a couple days. We'll see.
Yes, I am sad. But really I am doing much better than I thought. Knowing that I did everything I could to consider and preserve life makes me feel at peace. We are also at peace knowing that this pregnancy never developed into in a little baby, that it was never capable. There was just too much wrong with the cells and the location. We are eager to try again and know that that little spirit is still waiting to come to our family and that we will still meet him or her soon. Thank you for all the prayers and support of the family and friends we have spoken to so far.