Thoughts on pregnancy loss and conception

I was laying in bed tonight, and my mind started wandering. To its normal preoccupation. My reproductive system. I was wondering if the egg made it into the actual tube this time, and I found myself picturing the process of an egg erupting from an ovary and swimming the little gap to the safety of the tube. Or not; swimming the wrong way. As I had this mental image in my head, I realized that this ovary was quite large. We're talking tennis racket sized. And this fallopian tube, the diameter of the pitcher I use to water my plants. Why was that? Why was I seeing this super-sized projection as my normal reality? Why when I lay on an exam table in the stirrups, do my ovaries feel like they are beach balls in the corners of the room, and the uterus the size of my torso? Maybe because I am so used to looking to the image on the screen as my reality. Maybe it feels bigger than my body because I am so used to looking outside my body for the answers. But maybe, most likely, it is because this is the size it is in my life. In my day. The process of trying to conceive is a consuming one. The constant blood tests and numerous phone calls to the OB office until the nurse finally calls me back 3 days later with the findings; the calendars, and watches; the daily peeing on little sticks that indicate my happiness. It is all so big. Such a big part of my concern, my schedule, my preoccupations. This little reproductive system, probably no larger than my open palm, fills the room. Fills my evenings when the night is still and I am left to my thoughts alone.

Waking

As you know, I have been profoundly touched by one family's tragedy. I wrote previously about Christian and Stephanie Nielson who were in a plane crash in Arizona. Their story has truly sucked me in and been a matter of daily prayer and concern. Getting to know Stephanie through the blog she left has made me a better wife and mother. I hadn't heard of her before the accident, but since she has touched my life profoundly. I have learned more about myself and about my truest callings by reading the words of a stranger. I have never wept more for a stranger. She is no longer a stranger in my heart.

Please read this article. And these inspiring words. Both have made me pause and consider, and made my heart stronger.

They are waking Stephanie up right now. She is slowly coming back to the reality of the world. Her body is healing thanks to fervent prayers offered, and now her spirit needs even more of those healing entreaties of the Lord. I cannot imagine what lay ahead of her. I cannot imagine what she will go through. But I can bet she will face it with the grace and serenity that she has been quietly teaching me.

Validated

Do you remember when Marshall and I were trying to decide how to spell "Carly," and how I was opposed to names ending in "I"? I said something along the lines of:

"Only, he only likes the spelling "Carli." I dunno about this. I have never met a girl (that I can remember) that has a name ending in an "I" that has been respectable. The spelling seems either too cutesy or too destined to belong to a stripper. Am I overreacting?"

Anyway, I found this today:

GIRLS MOST LIKELY TO DO IT ON THE FIRST DATE

According to the North American Journal of Sexual Health, a survey involving over 5,000 guys found the top 5 names of women who are most likely to sleep with a guy on the first date. Here they are (in no particular order): 5. Lindsey; 4. Jenny or Jenni; 3. Christy or Christi; 2. Erin; and 1. Nikki or Nicole. The survey also found that any chick whose name ends in an "I" or draws a little heart over an "I" is more likely to do it. Women with two name first names, like Ann-Marie or Mary-Jo, are also in the top ten. What about girls who go by their full given name, like Jennifer or Patricia? They're less likely to go to bed on the first date.

I knew it!

P.S. Don't worry, Stefani, you are obviously an exception!

Big girl

Carly is such a big girl, she pooped in the potty for the first time today. Proud day. Don't worry I won't post pictures...lol. But in honor, we also tried out a "big girl" hairstyle. What do you think? We also went shopping for some winter clothes today. Her favorite things were her new hat and mittens. I think they're pretty cute, too.

Have some rice, Marshall

I made 3 cups of rice the other night. Marshall ate all of it.

Fall photo shoot

I think I really enjoy fall because I love taking pictures at the pumpkin patches. Last year's pumpkin patch trip yielded some of my favorite pictures ever, so this year's trip was highly anticipated.

Being in Salt Lake, we didn't want to drive all the way back to Utah Valley to go to the patch we are used to. So we found a little gem hidden away near Russ's school. It was very small, and had a little corn maze and some wagons. Perfect.

Get ready for my favorite pictures:

Butt Pie

On Marshall's birthday (Monday), we went out to breakfast with his parents at Village Inn. They bought Marshall a Lemon Supreme Pie because it's his favorite. Marshall put it in the back seat of the car right next to the car seat. He then, for some dumb reason, put a blanket on top of the pie. I sat on the seat to buckle Carly into her carseat. I sat on Marshall's birthday pie. I squashed Marshall's birthday pie with my butt.

But butt pie is better than no pie, right?

Wanna win a free handbag?

I know I do!

http://www.handbagplanet.com/ is launching their site on October 15th, and in celebration they are going to give away a free handbag every hour that day. Go to their site to register. But don't try to win the one on hour 6 (5pm), cuz that's the one I'm going for. On second thought, register for the one on hour 6, and then remember when you win what an awesome friend I am and give it to me. Pretty please.