Very sad news...

We lost the pregnancy. Well, we haven't even lost it yet. It's ectopic. And ectopic pregnancy is any pregnancy not in the uterus. Usually these pregnancies are still within the reproductive system (ie: the fallopian tubes or in the ovaries). Mine, however, is an abdominal pregnancy.

We discovered this yesterday because we came in for some blood work and found that I have low progesterone, but really high HCG. (These are the 2 important pregnancy hormones for those of you who aren't savvy). Low progesterone is an indication of an unsuccessful pregnancy, so naturally they wanted to do an ultrasound immediately. The ultrasound showed that the uterus was empty. With my HCG levels being so high, the doctors knew that the embryo had to be a couple centimeters by now and have a beating heart, so they knew that they didn't just miss it. They continued to look around and found a "mass" near my ovary. This mass did not have a yolk sack, or a heart beat, so they couldn't rule out that it was just a cyst.

There are 2 ways to "take care" of an ectopic pregnancy: one is a chemical abortion, and the other is surgical removal. It was my choice. Since my levels of HCG are so high, I am at increased risk that the chemical abortion would not work and I would end up in surgery anyway. Additionally, if the mass that they found was really a cyst, the embryo could be somewhere else and have a beating heart. I'm sure its just me (I'm slightly crazy), but I feel very strongly about not taking abortive measures once an embryo has life (a heart beat), so the idea of doing the chemical abortion without having positively identified the location or health of the embryo really bothered me. So we decided to do surgery. Late last night they wheeled me in, and knocked me out. They discovered during the exploratory laparoscopy that the mass was indeed the pregnancy, but that it had never developed correctly or lived in any form. No heart beat, no life sustaining abilities. However, it was embedded in my abdominal wall right between my ureter and a major blood vessel to my right leg. They decided that removing it surgically was too risky, and to try the chemical abortion since they had positively identified the mass as the pregnancy. But since the mass is in such a sensitive and critical area, they also do not want to let me go home and wait to see if the chemicals worked because if the pregnancy ruptured, I would surely bleed severely and likely die before making it back to the hospital.

So here I sit, in the oncology ward of the hospital, hooked to a million monitors, and waiting to see if my hormones levels go down enough to indicate it is safe for me to go home. Worst case scenario, the chemicals never work, I do 3 rounds over 3 weeks, and still end up back in surgery with an oncology surgeon (they do more vascular work). Best case scenario, this first round works and I am back home in a couple days. We'll see.

Yes, I am sad. But really I am doing much better than I thought. Knowing that I did everything I could to consider and preserve life makes me feel at peace. We are also at peace knowing that this pregnancy never developed into in a little baby, that it was never capable. There was just too much wrong with the cells and the location. We are eager to try again and know that that little spirit is still waiting to come to our family and that we will still meet him or her soon. Thank you for all the prayers and support of the family and friends we have spoken to so far.